Step 1: Don’t talk to her!
Tell-tale signs like smiling, leaning in close, drooling, flicking your tongue like a seductive snake, and working up a decent half-boner under the table are common, natural, and completely unavoidable side effects of close contact with someone that you’re secretly banging. The only way to avoid giving yourself away is to never talk to her during work hours. EVER.
Step 2: Talk sh*t about her!
Talking smack about her when she’s not even around is a good way to secure your perceived position as her mortal enemy and conceal your true identity as her nightly jizz delivery boy.
Step 3: Spread really nasty rumours about her!
Be loud and boisterous about it, and say absolutely horrific things about her. Tell everyone that she’s have five abortions in the past three years, and that the children were all of an ethnicity that the person you’re whispering this to will find apalling. Say that you heard she’s a dude who spent a fortune on a sex change operation, or that she’s actually a soviet spy that got so deep undercover that the motherland lost her, and then say something like, “have you seen that movie Traitor, with the black guy fromHotel for Dogs? It’s kinda like that, but with an ugly fat chick who’s hopelessly addicted to whippits.”
Step 4: Bang her best friend and tell everyone about it!
It’s probably best to have her friend drop into the office every once in a while to put on a little show for the office staff. Public displays of affection are important here, including but not limited to the following actions: heavy petting, dry humping, and sloppy tongue kissing.
Step 5: Humiliate her frequently, and without remorse!
For example, take your “spraying too much Visine into my coffee so that when I drink it I get such bad diarrhea that I actually shit out my internal organs” plan, lessen the Visine amount to a non-fatal level, and put it into your f*ckbuddy’s beverage of choice. Then, when she’s shitting all over the place, be the first person to make fun of her, and then actively work to get everyone else to chide her as well. It’ll be absolutely mortifying for her, and it’ll really prove how far you’re willing to go to keep your relationship with her safe and secure, because that’s how much she means to you.
